Here we go

September 2nd was the start of all of this down hill stuff at home. I have basically spent the last 48 hours locked in my bedroom – only venturing out to get a little food, or go to the neighbors for a bit. I have been sleeping, or scrolling mindlessly through facebook – while listening to my family, on the other side of my door, laughing, talking and carrying on much better than I am. The thought occurs to me that I may be a tad more emotional than they are, but rightly so since they are far less invested than I have been. No matter what they feel or think, none of them have been privy to some of the private conversations their dad and I have had, which were – I believe – designed to perpetuate this illusion of a blossoming relationship. One where I should feel quite at ease in spending all of any monies I would be getting on the home improvements, while he adds nothing at all. Even without knowing about the conversations, how they would believe that was fair is beyond my comprehension. Heaven forbid they all face this when they are in their marriages, in the future. I will have no help to offer, as they have no compassion to currently offer me.

Annie left for her first day of senior year. No goodbye to me. Not a word, in fact. It makes me wonder why I have allowed their feelings to ever dictate anything that I have ever done. People who say mothers who walk away from their kids are evil, have no idea what they are talking about when the “kids” are grown (22,22,20 and 17), but will cry that I abandoned them by leaving and taking MY car with me – meaning they have no way to work. I am so fed up with how they have treated me. How my life and the things that have happened could have gone this way….some of it is because Dave NEVER backed me up, or called them down when they were rude to me. This allowed them to do what they want to me. I am so hurt. I feel like I am going to end up as a lonely old trashy woman with no one. Living in dirt with nothing but regrets, although as I write these lines, i want to spite them and live the best life. I want to get to a point where I leave them all behind, which is something i didn’t think i would do. I don’t want to know them at all and I don’t want them to know me. I want to get my phone and not give them the number. I want to buy a house and never give them the address. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would feel this way, but I do. They are contemptuous people with no care or concern for their mother, unless they have my car keys or my money. I am done. Done with it all. Now, i need to have a minute to regroup and figure out how to make the best of the situation. To my advantage.